Coupons for Christmas
How in the name of God's Good Boy's birthday do you explain to a hopped-up on Christmas-listed 5-year old that the anorexic Santa on the back of the Chrysler Dually is shilling pizza coupons?
Happy Birthday, Jesus, but COME ON!!!
I was hoping that the light at the intersection where The Regina Pizza was would stay green, but I'm not light lucky and never get the green. I never get the yellow I can roll through. I'm all red, folks, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall red.
Stop.
Dead.
"Hey, Dad," Tiny started because I'm no longer Daddy since Kindergarten began, "Why is that Santa so skinny. He looks sick."
Think quick.
RUDOLPH SPECIAL!!!
"Remember in Rudolph?"
"Eat, Papa, eat?"
"Yup."
"Can you roll down the window so I can tell him?"
"Sure."
No stupid. No! He's shilling pizza coupons.
So, I rolled the window down. All the way.
"50 cents off your first pie," screams Jolly Ol'.
"What did he say, Dad?"
"50 cents off."
"Off what?"
"Pizza."
"What?"
"Pizza. Santa said 50 cents off pizza."
"Why?"
"Because that's what the coupon says that he's holding... probably."
"But why is Santa giving out coupons?"
Yeah. Why IS Santa giving out fucking coupons?
"Because it's Christmas and he's trying to be nice."
"But he's Santa."
"That's why he's giving out coupons."
"But if he was really nice like he's supposed to be, how come he's not giving out free pizza?"
Yeah. Why ISN'T he giving out free pizza?
"You know, babe, I don't know. Maybe he hates Italians."
"And why is he on the back of that truck and not on his sleigh?"
"Jesus Christ, babe, I don't know. Maybe because they're cleaning it for Christmas."
"Who's cleaning it?"
"I don't know. The elves? Forget about it. So, what? Santa is giving out pizza coupons on the back of that truck. Why does that EVEN bother you?"
Silence from the back seat.
"Tiny, why is it bothering you?"
"Because what if I only get coupons for toys and not toys this year?"
Then I thought...
"Behave or you will."
Happy Birthday, Jesus, but COME ON!!!
I was hoping that the light at the intersection where The Regina Pizza was would stay green, but I'm not light lucky and never get the green. I never get the yellow I can roll through. I'm all red, folks, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall red.
Stop.
Dead.
"Hey, Dad," Tiny started because I'm no longer Daddy since Kindergarten began, "Why is that Santa so skinny. He looks sick."
Think quick.
RUDOLPH SPECIAL!!!
"Remember in Rudolph?"
"Eat, Papa, eat?"
"Yup."
"Can you roll down the window so I can tell him?"
"Sure."
No stupid. No! He's shilling pizza coupons.
So, I rolled the window down. All the way.
"50 cents off your first pie," screams Jolly Ol'.
"What did he say, Dad?"
"50 cents off."
"Off what?"
"Pizza."
"What?"
"Pizza. Santa said 50 cents off pizza."
"Why?"
"Because that's what the coupon says that he's holding... probably."
"But why is Santa giving out coupons?"
Yeah. Why IS Santa giving out fucking coupons?
"Because it's Christmas and he's trying to be nice."
"But he's Santa."
"That's why he's giving out coupons."
"But if he was really nice like he's supposed to be, how come he's not giving out free pizza?"
Yeah. Why ISN'T he giving out free pizza?
"You know, babe, I don't know. Maybe he hates Italians."
"And why is he on the back of that truck and not on his sleigh?"
"Jesus Christ, babe, I don't know. Maybe because they're cleaning it for Christmas."
"Who's cleaning it?"
"I don't know. The elves? Forget about it. So, what? Santa is giving out pizza coupons on the back of that truck. Why does that EVEN bother you?"
Silence from the back seat.
"Tiny, why is it bothering you?"
"Because what if I only get coupons for toys and not toys this year?"
Then I thought...
"Behave or you will."
posted by Oh My Lot! at 1:24 AM
3 Comments:
Dude. Duuuuuuuude. You are too funny. I can't wait to look back over this with Shay someday.
Interesting thought, to use coupons rather than the old coal-in-the-stocking trick. "Behave, or there'll be PIZZA COUPONS for Christmas this year!"
You have to admit, she does have a pretty strong grasp of logic. Perhaps she'll be a Philosophy professor someday...
Better the coupon Santa, than the pirate.
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